just for Laughs ^^

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14. Jun 2016, 21:27

I will be posting various jokes and puns I've found over the years. Unfortunately, some are not G-rated, so I will have to be careful what I post in here. :shock:

The Talking Horse
A man was driving through west Texas one evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and the engine died, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total isolation. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice: "It's your fuel pump."

"Who said that?" the man called out.

There were two horses, a white one and a black one, standing in the fenced field alongside the road. The man was amazed when the white horse repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flash light, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

"Yes, it was!" the man said, finally happy someone understood. "Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know nothin' about cars."
I know you think you understood what you think I said but I'm not sure you understood that what you heard is not what I meant.
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14. Jun 2016, 21:28

Ventriloquist Rat
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"

"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
I know you think you understood what you think I said but I'm not sure you understood that what you heard is not what I meant.
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14. Jun 2016, 21:32

A Dumb Blond?
A lawyer and a blond woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blond is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blond's attention and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blond doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blond's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After a good hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blond and hands her $500. The blond takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The blond reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.


Smart Blond
A young blond walks into a bank to borrow $10,000 for a European vacation. The loan officer asks how she'll secure the loan and she points to a new Ferrari. He accepts the pink slip as collateral and parks the car in their underground parking lot.

Two weeks later the blond returns, repays the loan and the $10.52 interest, and collects her pink slip for the car.

The loan officer says, "When you left two weeks ago, I checked your credit rating. You're a multi-millionaire heiress. Why would you borrow money for a trip?"

The blond replies, "Where else can I park a new Ferrari in the city of Toronto for two weeks for $10.52 and expect it to still be there when I return?


The Dumb Blond?
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blond female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

The man wasn't satisfied by this assurance. He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up -- so she took them home and ate them.

Three lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blonds aren't as dumb as most men think.
3. Even when the law is on your side, "Possession" sometimes trumps.
I know you think you understood what you think I said but I'm not sure you understood that what you heard is not what I meant.
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14. Jun 2016, 21:42

The Exploitative Business Owner
A man owned a small business, and an agent from the state's employment office came for a surprise visit.

"You say there's a problem here?" the boss inquired.

"That's what we hear, sir," the agent said. "You are required by law to cooperate."

"Whatever you boys need is fine with me," said the cooperative man.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the businessman, "there's my foreman who's been with me for nine years. I pay him $1,500 a week."

"Who else?" the agent said.

"And the office gal has been here for three years, and I pay her $450 per week."

"And?" the agent insisted, clearly looking for the businessman to admit something in particular.

"The only other one is the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He only gets about $100 per week, though he gets a bottle of bourbon every payday -- which he has to nurse along for the rest of the month. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to!" says the agent. "The half-wit that you don't even pay minimum wage!"

"Yer talkin' to him," replied the boss.
I know you think you understood what you think I said but I'm not sure you understood that what you heard is not what I meant.
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Spock
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14. Jun 2016, 21:47

I got this via snail mail the other day:
The Amish Virus
You have just received the Amish Virus. Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system. Please delete all of your files on your hard drive. Then forward this message to everyone in your address book.

Thank thee.

Jebediah


Unfortunately, as a long time computer programmer, I could tell it would never work. Since I really enjoy programming, I decided to fix it:


The Amish Virus 2
You have just received the Amish Virus. Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system. Please forward this message to everyone in your address book. Then delete all of your files on your hard drive.

Thank thee.

Jebediah

Now I have to reinstall my OS. :(
I know you think you understood what you think I said but I'm not sure you understood that what you heard is not what I meant.
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Squishem
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14. Jun 2016, 21:52

Out of the Microwave...
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, payed me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows on my PC, I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows CD. Too my surprise he threw it into my microwave oven and turned on the oven. Instantly I got very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.' After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold to the touch and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, an inscription finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:

4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C204F6E65204F5320746F
2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F6E65204F5320746F206272696E67207468656D20
616C6C20616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062696E64207468656D

'I cannot understand the fiery letters,' I said.

'No but I can,' he said. 'The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:'

One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
I know you think you understood what you think I said but I'm not sure you understood that what you heard is not what I meant.
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Spock
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14. Jun 2016, 21:59

This one is for the Moderators. They should understand the "idea" behind it:

Tech Smoke
A user rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.

Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup files and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

Ten minutes later, the User is still adamant that they are right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.

Ten more minutes later.

User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.

One hour later.

User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?

User: Well, I called Microsoft and told them about what you said, and he started asking questions about the brand of the power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?

User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE
I know you think you understood what you think I said but I'm not sure you understood that what you heard is not what I meant.
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14. Jun 2016, 22:08

Comprehensive Final Exam
Instructions: There are only 16 questions. Read all instructions and questions carefully before you begin. Time limit 4 hours. You may begin when you are ready.

# Biology
1) Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the evolution/creation argument. Verify this estimation.

# Economics
2) Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: CEO compensation, the China trade balance, and minimum wage.

# Engineering
3) The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to your room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

# English Literature
4) Rewrite, from memory, Atlas Shrugged -- but with a counter point of view. You will find 1,500 sheets of paper under your chair.

# General Knowledge
5) Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

# Geography
6) Draw a detailed map of the world showing the location of all armed conflicts. Extra credit: mark an "X" over the exact hiding place of Osama Bin Laden, and calculate how many hundred miles he is from the nearest American soldier.

# History
7) Describe the history of all religions from their earliest origins to the present day. Prove which is best in a manner that will convince the members of all other religions to convert.

# Logic
8) Using accepted methodology, prove all four of the following: That the universe is infinite; that truth is beauty; that there is no little person who turns off the light in the refrigerator when you close the door, and that you are the person taking this exam. Now disprove all of the above. Show all work.

# Management Science
9) Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Implement your algorithm on either a GE 645, CDC 7600, IBM 360/195, or PDP-8. Your program should include all software necessary to support 100 interactive consoles.

# Mathematics
10) Calculate PI to two million decimal places and, by using this result, calculate the volume of the galaxy to 1,999,999 decimal places.

# Medicine
11) Behind your desk you will find a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work is inspected.

# Music
12) Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with full orchestra. You will find a piano under your seat.

# Philosophy
13) Why? Explain your answer.

# Physics
14) Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science, plus the possible effect of electromagnetic radiation on the global pollution.

# Political Science
15) On the desk behind you is a red phone. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

# Psychology
16) Employing principles from the major schools of psychoanalytic thought, successfully subject yourself to analysis. Make appropriate personality evaluations and changes, bill yourself, and fill out all appropriate medical insurance forms. Then do the same to the person on your immediate left.

Final instruction: Note that the instructions at the top told you to read all questions before starting. If you have not made any marks on your answer sheet you may write your name at the top and it turn in for an "A" grade. If you have started answering any question, you must complete all of them.
Good Luck.
I know you think you understood what you think I said but I'm not sure you understood that what you heard is not what I meant.
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14. Jun 2016, 22:10

Lipstick in School
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers and then there are educators.
I know you think you understood what you think I said but I'm not sure you understood that what you heard is not what I meant.
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Spock
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10. Dec 2016, 06:50

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st Century, old man." she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad." Well, I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it!
I know you think you understood what you think I said but I'm not sure you understood that what you heard is not what I meant.
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